CONCERNED MOM

I found this letter at Dear Abby published on July 6, 2017: 

DEAR ABBY BORG: My son is 29. He has no vanity at all and does not care how he dresses or looks. He has always been this way. He just got married, and his wife is a darling girl. How can I make him understand how important this is, not only to him but also to his wife? -- CONCERNED MOM

DEAR CONCERNED MOM:

I admit after reading your letter, I am missing the problem.  Except for your son who has a mother who at age 29 thinks she should still be telling him how to live his life.  Perhaps you would need to start with making me understand why this is so important to you.

It is interesting that you chose the word "vanity" to describe the attribute your son is missing.  Vanity is generally not something we hope people strive towards as an attribute, and is often a trait people complain about when finding it in others.  So I'm not clear why you want your son to take on an unattractive (irony intended) attribute.

Your last sentence indicates that he needs to understand not only how important it is to him, but how important it is to his wife.  It sounds, only, that it's important to you.  If his wife had issues with his appearance, if it was important to her, she probably wouldn't have married him.  You suggest she's a darling girl, and it sounds that she is.  It sounds from what little description you've provided that she loves him as he is.

Now, I admit, and my wife might even cringe, I'm probably a lot like your son.  If my hair or my clothes aren't perfect, I can still leave the house.  I am not so sloppy and disheveled as some of the famous "People of Wal*Mart", but frankly, I am usually reasonably clean, smell reasonably fine in my opinion, and I have a job that allows me to contribute to maintaining our household. 

I have probably not gained certain friends or even perhaps certain jobs as a result of my appearance.  I do not dispute that potential possibility.  However, I have never lacked for employment when I've needed it and I do have a social circle of people I enjoy.  So, my general attitude has always been that if someone chooses not to spend time with me because I have a small stain on my shirt, then I probably wouldn't really enjoy spending time with that person, either.

Now, in hindsight, this probably comes from being a kid who was teased, whose mother engendered a reasonable sense of self-esteem not to care what those kids who teased me thought or said.  And so, perhaps, as a grown adult, I've taken those original lessons from dealing with "mean kids" to my decision-making in when I do and don't adjust my behavior based on the opinions of others.

Most definitely, there are situations and places where someone else's opinion should factor into my behavioral choices.  And listening to the feedback of others in making choices is and can be important.  But at the end of the day each of us needs to be able to live with the person who we are and love the person who we are.  Our choices should reflect that goal.  And some of our choices might very well limit our opportunities, but you need to trust that your son has been raised well enough to be able to make his own choices about how he wants to live his life and whether he wants to deal with the consequences of those choices.

If you had written saying that your son was having difficulty finding a job, or finding friends or companionship, and frankly, was complaining about having those difficulties, I would understand your question and your concern greater.  But the edited version of the letter I've read shows no such consequences for his actions or concerns by him.

And lastly, your opportunity to prepare him for his wife and future potential relationships has passed now that he is grown and that he is married.  Now that he is married, his wife is the only person who should explain to him what is important to her.  If she enlists your help, the conversation should still be hers to have with her husband and your son, and, again, the edited version of your letter has not conveyed that she has any issues with his appearance.  If so, she probably would have raised it to him before they were married, and frankly given your description of him, it does not sound like that is the kind of woman to whom he would have been attracted.

My suggestion is that you take some time to consider why this is so important to you.  If your son is happy, I encourage you to be happy for him, and feel proud that you have raised a son that has found happiness and success in his life.  Love him, as I am sure you do, for who he is and who you have raised him to be.

Sincerely,
The Borg