KINDER, GENTLER WIFE

This letter was published by Dear Abby on June 29, 2017:

DEAR ABBY BORG: My husband wants to help in the kitchen with the dishes. Call me stupid to complain, but he is causing me more work, and I don't know what to do.
This is the second marriage for both of us, and I am trying hard to be a kinder, gentler wife. When my husband washes the dishes, pots and pans, he misses spots, sometimes lots of them. Also, he is impatient and doesn't want to wait the three minutes it takes for the hot water to get to the kitchen, so he washes in cold water.
I tell him I will take care of the dishes, but then he gets upset with me. How do I handle this without hurting his feelings or his pride? -- KINDER, GENTLER WIFE

DEAR KINDER, GENTLER WIFE:

I feel for you.  I really do.  Second marriages and relationships later in life often bring different ways of approaching basic every day life tasks.  I have said since my twenties with room-mates that the two areas that can cause the most grief between people living together are the bathroom and the kitchen.  I admit I was always happiest with room-mates when we had separate bathrooms.

It is not unusual for individuals approaching these different rooms to have different standards that don't match.   I do generally feel that the person with the "stricter" or higher standard should bear the burden of bringing / keeping that room to that standard because it matters to them.  I do believe that those who care less should be respectful of the other's needs / standards in return.

Communicating and balancing these differing standards is not always easy and does not always go well.  Particularly in new / fresh relationships.

When my wife and I first entertained living together, she made it clear she only had one condition and that was that she would be responsible for the housecleaning.  Gosh.  Well, then... if you INSIST... 

I often thought, in the beginning, that it was an odd statement / request but have definitely appreciated it as we have moved forward in our life together and respect it.   Now, unlike my greatest hopes, it hasn't gotten me out of chores altogether.   But her statement acknowledged an understanding on her end that she had a certain way of doing things and having things done, and that frankly it would just be easier on both of us if she just did them herself the first time.

Having been in a prior long term relationship (or two .. or..) and having had different experiences of these kinds of interaction, I appreciate the foresight she had.  She was trying to avoid what you're experiencing above.  Just as you are trying with your "kindler, gentler" approach.

With one woman I was with I had long learned to do any chores and cleaning when she was away from the house.  She was always grateful when I cleaned up, but when she was actually present when I was doing it, she always had suggestions of how I could do it "better".  My grumbly opinion back to her is that as long as it got done - and as long as the results (in that case) were satisfactory, how and why did it matter how I got there to her if she didn't have to do it?  Needless to say with her constantly telling me *how* to do something, she would often find that I just didn't bother doing it at all. 

My wife avoided all that by just recognizing at the start that it would be easier not to have these "conversations", and that trying to teach me how to do it her way would probably only succeed in making us both miserable.  And I admit we have carried on rather peaceably as a result of her wisdom.

You have unfortunately ventured past this point already.  But it isn't a point of no return.

So here's what I recommend.  Sometime outside of meal time, outside of eating, outside of cleaning dishes have a conversation with your husband.  Tell him how much you love him and how much you appreciate that he is a contributor towards the chores and keeping up the household.  Tell him how he does do x, y and z chores really great and how much you appreciate that he tackles a, b and c (particularly if any of those aren't your favorite chores to begin with).  Then broach the subject of the dishes.  Tell him you know it's your particularness, your needs to have things done a certain way, and apologize for being a bit set in your ways on this matter, but it does matter to you.  Tell him how much you enjoy peace and harmony in the household, and you think that one of the ways to best achieve that would be to let you be responsible for this particular chore.  And maybe figure out some alternative ways during meal-time or tasks surrounding meal-time he could be helpful instead.  "You know, honey, while I'm doing the dishes at night, it would be great if you could... " throw in a load of laundry (or fold and put away the laundry), tidy up the living room, take out the trash, clean the counters... something that done daily would help overall keep your household humming nicely and that would take about the same amount of time as doing the dishes.  This way he's able to feel useful and you're more easily able to find him as being helpful.

Sincerely,
The Borg

P.S. In my house, I'm relegated to drying the dishes.  We still "negotiate" sometimes on who puts them away - that is if she wants to find them again later ;)