MOURNING MY MOM

I found this letter at Dear Abby published on July 2, 2017:

DEAR ABBY: My mom passed away two years ago. Because she was cremated, there is no grave site to pay tribute to her. She lived in Rhode Island; I live in Florida.
My roommate's mother passed last year, and she was buried here in Florida. On Mother's Day, I wanted to pay respects to both of our moms. Because my mom has no grave site, we placed flowers on my roommate's mom's grave in memory of both mothers.
Was it wrong to do this? My roommate is fine with the idea, but others disagree. Abby, what's your take on this? Any other ideas for me to honor my mom? -- MOURNING MY MOM

DEAR MOURNING MY MOM:

First, let me express my condolences on the loss of your mother who you are still mourning. 

Second, let me express my extreme distaste for ANYONE who would have issue with ANY way that you would pay your respects to your mother that doesn't harm them.  The idea that anyone would criticize you in any manner for choosing to pay respect blows my mind.  If your room-mate expressed that she was not comfortable doing this, then I would ask you to respect her wishes as it is her mother's gravesite, and your relationship to that place is presumably through her. 

It was absolutely not wrong to do this. 

What would be wrong would be this:

1. Place a really big sign honoring your mother at your room-mate's mother's gravesite that completely obliterated the woman who is actually resting there.
2. DIGGING into the grave to place a plant solely in honor of your mother at her mother's gravesite.
3. Having a big party at her mother's gravesite to honor just your mother.

You and your room-mate chose to take this action in honor of both your mothers in a place that had significance for at least one of them.  What's the issue? Why do people have an issue with it?

I'm sure there are lots of other ways you can honor your mother, in addition to this one that you chose.  If there was a cause she believed in strongly, you could volunteer somewhere in her memory.  For example, if she was an avid pet-lover, you could volunteer at an animal shelter.  You can create a memory book of her that you, and others who care to share it with you, can turn to when you want to have a moment to remember her.  You can talk to others about what a wonderful woman she was and the impact she had on your life. 

Mourning is a process.  It doesn't often just "end".  Sometimes it can ease.  I will caution that probably the "safest" forms of honoring your mother's memory may not involve being shared with other people except a group of others who are in mourning or with a counselor. 

Unfortunately, two key things I've observed: 1) Death and people's grief are hard things for others to know how to handle or handle well.  2) People have a low tolerance for hearing about other people's ongoing "issues" - whether mourning or problems, or a variety of issues.  There is a general willingness to provide an initial expression of compassion, empathy, listening, but often people who are not otherwise paid to - or otherwise sharing a similar issue - have varying and often lowering thresholds of how much / how often they want to hear about others ongoing issues.  Be patient with these people and aware of others' comfort level, and seek other resources if you want to share with others as needed. 

To anyone who suggest to you that what you did was wrong on Mother's day, just politely say to them, "I'm sorry you feel that way." and feel free to move along either figuratively in the conversation or physically in their presence.  If you want to poke them a little, though, you can say, instead, "I'm sorry you feel that way.  It was really such a lovely moment for me and [room-mate's name here] to share."  (And if you're feeling really snotty, you can add, "I'm glad you weren't there.")

I wish you all the best in your journey and be sure to give your room-mate an extra hug of appreciation for allowing you both to share that moment and that space.

Sincerely,
The Borg