IRKED WIFE

I found this letter at Dear Abby on July 2, 2017:

DEAR ABBY: My husband, his father, grandfather and great-grandfather all share the same first name, which is "Andrew." We hope to carry on the tradition if we are blessed with a baby boy.
My husband's first cousin and his wife have just announced they are having a baby boy and will be using Andrew as a middle name. My husband isn't upset about it, but I am. My husband's cousin claims he simply wanted to name his son after his great-grandfather, but I feel like Andrew isn't his name to use. Am I overreacting? I don't feel right about using the name now if we are blessed to have a son. Am I being selfish? -- IRKED WIFE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR IRKED:

Forgive this blunt response, but WTF????

First, it is your husband's family and your husband's family name (and literally your husband's name itself)  and he isn't upset about it. 

Second, first names and middle names are different names.  It gets awkward, but not unmanageable, if the cousins are both called by the same name (see further below).

Third, there are a lot of cultural traditions where family names are used like this with cousins having the name as a middle name.  In particular, the Greek culture (where followed), where EVERY child has the father's first name as their middle name.  EVERY child.  Boys and girls,  Girls will have a feminized version of the name, but still you would have more than one child with the same middle name if they are of the same sex within the immediate family, let alone amongst the cousins.  The second part of this tradition is that only the first son of the first son gets his father's middle name has his first name. 

I tried to write out an example, but it got very complicated, so let's just say that a son might find his first cousin has the same first name has his father's middle name.  Generally, that system is designed to prevent having multiple cousins with all the same FIRST name.  But names, nonetheless, repeat within the system.

I will admit, I have a second cousin with the same name as mine. She actually came first, and I will also admit that my mother asked her mother if she minded if I was called the same name (who knew there would be such a demand for the name "Borg"?).  It wasn't a family name, but just a name she liked.  We, at the time, lived on different coasts so it really wasn't much of an issue originally. 

But guess what? Even after we moved to be on the same coast, and in the same area, and I was invited to all of her immediate family's events and holidays, and we both had the same name...? It wasn't an issue.  It was a source of entertainment and amusement, but ultimately, we could figure out who was being spoken to by either context, or folks chose to use our last initials (since they were different) or even call one of us East Coast Borg and West Coast Borg.  And frankly, I felt honored to share the name with such a wonderful woman as I have grown to know her as an adult.

If you choose not to continue the tradition you intended simply because there's a cousin who has the same middle name as the first name you choose to use, it will be a shame given that the tradition was important to you.  Admittedly I am biased with my own experience, but I don't think anyone needs to have the exclusive right to name in a family particularly if it's not being used in the same position.

Lastly, I am sad that you have made your husband's first cousin's family feel badly because they chose to honor a shared ancestor.  I hope that you and your husband are blessed with a boy, but the reality is that you might not be.  And then this name, which is meant to honor your husband's family, will have created division rather than unity over something you weren't even able to use, in the end.  I hope that you mend fences and share the joy of this new addition to your extended family and that you will also continue to carry on the tradition you were planning for your own immediate family.

Stop being IRKED - it's a useless waste of energy that can be used instead towards creating positive memories and bonds over the name. 

Sincerely,
The Borg