CONCERNED GUY IN THE SOUTH

This letter was published by Dear Abby on June 28, 2017 :

DEAR ABBY BORG: I'm in my early 30s and recently met a very attractive woman my age. We are planning to get married. She wants us to be married as soon as possible because she has been divorced for the last seven years.
My problem is, she's extremely secretive about her past, especially the period between her divorce and our meeting. I have been open with her about my past, but when I ask about hers, she refuses to discuss it and says it has nothing to do with our relationship.
I have a feeling there may be something nasty she's hiding. I'm afraid I'm heading into a trap, but my love for her makes it tough to consider breaking up. Am I being too demanding? -- CONCERNED GUY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONCERNED:

We've all had lives before we meet each other.  There is no requirement for us to share everything we've ever done before that point with someone else.  However, before making a legal commitment and binding yourself to someone, there are a few things you want to have first.  The most relevant of which here is trust.

She wants us to be married as soon as possible because she has been divorced for the last seven years.

This sentence disturbs me.  There's a lot unspoken here, and perhaps a portion of that is also unspoken between you and your fiancée.  What exactly does one state have to do with the other with the exception of the fact that given she was married before a divorce would be required in order for you to get married?  Other than that relationship, her prior status and the length of it should have no impact (in my opinion) on the speed with which you move towards matrimony.  At least not by that sentence alone.

she refuses to discuss it and says it has nothing to do with our relationship.

Except if what has happened in that seven years is what is rushing you both towards marriage, then SOMETHING about it has something to do with your relationship. 

I advise a long engagement.  This will allow you an opportunity to get to know her better and ideally develop trust or to discover if marrying you quickly is one of her requirements for a relationship with you. 

I don't know if you're heading into a trap, but there does seem to be information missing necessary for you to trust her at this point.  As you indicated, you just recently met her.  If the relationship is real and meant to last, it will last an extended engagement while you two learn more about who each other is - today - and whether you feel you can trust her.

Some more cynical people might advise a background check, but doing that again is evidence of the key factor missing of "trust".  If she pushes you too quickly towards marriage and resists your suggestion of extending it, tell her you would feel more comfortable if you were able to perform a background check and discuss anything that might be of concern.  Either she'll be okay with that, or acquiesce to give you both more time to get to know each other or be defensive and break it off.  If the latter, you may have dodged a bullet.  But if the former, then it might give you two an opportunity to discuss things that matter to you both and build upon the foundation needed for a successful marriage.

I wish you good luck!

Sincerely,
The Borg

KINDER, GENTLER WIFE

This letter was published by Dear Abby on June 29, 2017:

DEAR ABBY BORG: My husband wants to help in the kitchen with the dishes. Call me stupid to complain, but he is causing me more work, and I don't know what to do.
This is the second marriage for both of us, and I am trying hard to be a kinder, gentler wife. When my husband washes the dishes, pots and pans, he misses spots, sometimes lots of them. Also, he is impatient and doesn't want to wait the three minutes it takes for the hot water to get to the kitchen, so he washes in cold water.
I tell him I will take care of the dishes, but then he gets upset with me. How do I handle this without hurting his feelings or his pride? -- KINDER, GENTLER WIFE

DEAR KINDER, GENTLER WIFE:

I feel for you.  I really do.  Second marriages and relationships later in life often bring different ways of approaching basic every day life tasks.  I have said since my twenties with room-mates that the two areas that can cause the most grief between people living together are the bathroom and the kitchen.  I admit I was always happiest with room-mates when we had separate bathrooms.

It is not unusual for individuals approaching these different rooms to have different standards that don't match.   I do generally feel that the person with the "stricter" or higher standard should bear the burden of bringing / keeping that room to that standard because it matters to them.  I do believe that those who care less should be respectful of the other's needs / standards in return.

Communicating and balancing these differing standards is not always easy and does not always go well.  Particularly in new / fresh relationships.

When my wife and I first entertained living together, she made it clear she only had one condition and that was that she would be responsible for the housecleaning.  Gosh.  Well, then... if you INSIST... 

I often thought, in the beginning, that it was an odd statement / request but have definitely appreciated it as we have moved forward in our life together and respect it.   Now, unlike my greatest hopes, it hasn't gotten me out of chores altogether.   But her statement acknowledged an understanding on her end that she had a certain way of doing things and having things done, and that frankly it would just be easier on both of us if she just did them herself the first time.

Having been in a prior long term relationship (or two .. or..) and having had different experiences of these kinds of interaction, I appreciate the foresight she had.  She was trying to avoid what you're experiencing above.  Just as you are trying with your "kindler, gentler" approach.

With one woman I was with I had long learned to do any chores and cleaning when she was away from the house.  She was always grateful when I cleaned up, but when she was actually present when I was doing it, she always had suggestions of how I could do it "better".  My grumbly opinion back to her is that as long as it got done - and as long as the results (in that case) were satisfactory, how and why did it matter how I got there to her if she didn't have to do it?  Needless to say with her constantly telling me *how* to do something, she would often find that I just didn't bother doing it at all. 

My wife avoided all that by just recognizing at the start that it would be easier not to have these "conversations", and that trying to teach me how to do it her way would probably only succeed in making us both miserable.  And I admit we have carried on rather peaceably as a result of her wisdom.

You have unfortunately ventured past this point already.  But it isn't a point of no return.

So here's what I recommend.  Sometime outside of meal time, outside of eating, outside of cleaning dishes have a conversation with your husband.  Tell him how much you love him and how much you appreciate that he is a contributor towards the chores and keeping up the household.  Tell him how he does do x, y and z chores really great and how much you appreciate that he tackles a, b and c (particularly if any of those aren't your favorite chores to begin with).  Then broach the subject of the dishes.  Tell him you know it's your particularness, your needs to have things done a certain way, and apologize for being a bit set in your ways on this matter, but it does matter to you.  Tell him how much you enjoy peace and harmony in the household, and you think that one of the ways to best achieve that would be to let you be responsible for this particular chore.  And maybe figure out some alternative ways during meal-time or tasks surrounding meal-time he could be helpful instead.  "You know, honey, while I'm doing the dishes at night, it would be great if you could... " throw in a load of laundry (or fold and put away the laundry), tidy up the living room, take out the trash, clean the counters... something that done daily would help overall keep your household humming nicely and that would take about the same amount of time as doing the dishes.  This way he's able to feel useful and you're more easily able to find him as being helpful.

Sincerely,
The Borg

P.S. In my house, I'm relegated to drying the dishes.  We still "negotiate" sometimes on who puts them away - that is if she wants to find them again later ;)

IRKED WIFE

I found this letter at Dear Abby on July 2, 2017:

DEAR ABBY: My husband, his father, grandfather and great-grandfather all share the same first name, which is "Andrew." We hope to carry on the tradition if we are blessed with a baby boy.
My husband's first cousin and his wife have just announced they are having a baby boy and will be using Andrew as a middle name. My husband isn't upset about it, but I am. My husband's cousin claims he simply wanted to name his son after his great-grandfather, but I feel like Andrew isn't his name to use. Am I overreacting? I don't feel right about using the name now if we are blessed to have a son. Am I being selfish? -- IRKED WIFE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR IRKED:

Forgive this blunt response, but WTF????

First, it is your husband's family and your husband's family name (and literally your husband's name itself)  and he isn't upset about it. 

Second, first names and middle names are different names.  It gets awkward, but not unmanageable, if the cousins are both called by the same name (see further below).

Third, there are a lot of cultural traditions where family names are used like this with cousins having the name as a middle name.  In particular, the Greek culture (where followed), where EVERY child has the father's first name as their middle name.  EVERY child.  Boys and girls,  Girls will have a feminized version of the name, but still you would have more than one child with the same middle name if they are of the same sex within the immediate family, let alone amongst the cousins.  The second part of this tradition is that only the first son of the first son gets his father's middle name has his first name. 

I tried to write out an example, but it got very complicated, so let's just say that a son might find his first cousin has the same first name has his father's middle name.  Generally, that system is designed to prevent having multiple cousins with all the same FIRST name.  But names, nonetheless, repeat within the system.

I will admit, I have a second cousin with the same name as mine. She actually came first, and I will also admit that my mother asked her mother if she minded if I was called the same name (who knew there would be such a demand for the name "Borg"?).  It wasn't a family name, but just a name she liked.  We, at the time, lived on different coasts so it really wasn't much of an issue originally. 

But guess what? Even after we moved to be on the same coast, and in the same area, and I was invited to all of her immediate family's events and holidays, and we both had the same name...? It wasn't an issue.  It was a source of entertainment and amusement, but ultimately, we could figure out who was being spoken to by either context, or folks chose to use our last initials (since they were different) or even call one of us East Coast Borg and West Coast Borg.  And frankly, I felt honored to share the name with such a wonderful woman as I have grown to know her as an adult.

If you choose not to continue the tradition you intended simply because there's a cousin who has the same middle name as the first name you choose to use, it will be a shame given that the tradition was important to you.  Admittedly I am biased with my own experience, but I don't think anyone needs to have the exclusive right to name in a family particularly if it's not being used in the same position.

Lastly, I am sad that you have made your husband's first cousin's family feel badly because they chose to honor a shared ancestor.  I hope that you and your husband are blessed with a boy, but the reality is that you might not be.  And then this name, which is meant to honor your husband's family, will have created division rather than unity over something you weren't even able to use, in the end.  I hope that you mend fences and share the joy of this new addition to your extended family and that you will also continue to carry on the tradition you were planning for your own immediate family.

Stop being IRKED - it's a useless waste of energy that can be used instead towards creating positive memories and bonds over the name. 

Sincerely,
The Borg

MOURNING MY MOM

I found this letter at Dear Abby published on July 2, 2017:

DEAR ABBY: My mom passed away two years ago. Because she was cremated, there is no grave site to pay tribute to her. She lived in Rhode Island; I live in Florida.
My roommate's mother passed last year, and she was buried here in Florida. On Mother's Day, I wanted to pay respects to both of our moms. Because my mom has no grave site, we placed flowers on my roommate's mom's grave in memory of both mothers.
Was it wrong to do this? My roommate is fine with the idea, but others disagree. Abby, what's your take on this? Any other ideas for me to honor my mom? -- MOURNING MY MOM

DEAR MOURNING MY MOM:

First, let me express my condolences on the loss of your mother who you are still mourning. 

Second, let me express my extreme distaste for ANYONE who would have issue with ANY way that you would pay your respects to your mother that doesn't harm them.  The idea that anyone would criticize you in any manner for choosing to pay respect blows my mind.  If your room-mate expressed that she was not comfortable doing this, then I would ask you to respect her wishes as it is her mother's gravesite, and your relationship to that place is presumably through her. 

It was absolutely not wrong to do this. 

What would be wrong would be this:

1. Place a really big sign honoring your mother at your room-mate's mother's gravesite that completely obliterated the woman who is actually resting there.
2. DIGGING into the grave to place a plant solely in honor of your mother at her mother's gravesite.
3. Having a big party at her mother's gravesite to honor just your mother.

You and your room-mate chose to take this action in honor of both your mothers in a place that had significance for at least one of them.  What's the issue? Why do people have an issue with it?

I'm sure there are lots of other ways you can honor your mother, in addition to this one that you chose.  If there was a cause she believed in strongly, you could volunteer somewhere in her memory.  For example, if she was an avid pet-lover, you could volunteer at an animal shelter.  You can create a memory book of her that you, and others who care to share it with you, can turn to when you want to have a moment to remember her.  You can talk to others about what a wonderful woman she was and the impact she had on your life. 

Mourning is a process.  It doesn't often just "end".  Sometimes it can ease.  I will caution that probably the "safest" forms of honoring your mother's memory may not involve being shared with other people except a group of others who are in mourning or with a counselor. 

Unfortunately, two key things I've observed: 1) Death and people's grief are hard things for others to know how to handle or handle well.  2) People have a low tolerance for hearing about other people's ongoing "issues" - whether mourning or problems, or a variety of issues.  There is a general willingness to provide an initial expression of compassion, empathy, listening, but often people who are not otherwise paid to - or otherwise sharing a similar issue - have varying and often lowering thresholds of how much / how often they want to hear about others ongoing issues.  Be patient with these people and aware of others' comfort level, and seek other resources if you want to share with others as needed. 

To anyone who suggest to you that what you did was wrong on Mother's day, just politely say to them, "I'm sorry you feel that way." and feel free to move along either figuratively in the conversation or physically in their presence.  If you want to poke them a little, though, you can say, instead, "I'm sorry you feel that way.  It was really such a lovely moment for me and [room-mate's name here] to share."  (And if you're feeling really snotty, you can add, "I'm glad you weren't there.")

I wish you all the best in your journey and be sure to give your room-mate an extra hug of appreciation for allowing you both to share that moment and that space.

Sincerely,
The Borg

DEAR READER

DEAR READER:

My responses here, as you can see from my first post to a real letter, will be a bit more long-winded than an average edited response can be for someone who is publishing in the newspaper.  Where possible / relevant, I will always publish a link to the original letter and the original response. 

You will begin to see certain themes in my responses as there are certain issues areas I feel strongly about.  Often you'll find me questioning why it's an issue, and why it's the particular writer's issue.  MY opinion is that a certain percentage of our population spends a lot of time worrying about other people's lives and focusing on other people's behavior rather than reflecting on their own behavior.  I admit whole-heartedly I am probably one of those people! 

I also admit whole-heartedly that I am flawed.  That you will probably find me to be contradictory.  That my opinions about certain matters may - and hopefully will - evolve over time and over writing this and living my life.  If you expect me to be surprised by any of these things, I won't be.  If you'd like to engage me in a thoughtful (and respectful) conversation or a discussion about these intricacies, I welcome it.

I'll tell you a few things about me that you may or may not have already learned if you've read my other blog, or if you've read more of this blog yet to be written and are now reading this letter.  Many of these principles will guide my responses here. 

1. I neither consider myself to be liberal or conservative and think that I'm probably quite a bit of both.  It depends on the context of the situation, and whether others around me think my views on the situation are dated/backwards, or outlandish and over-reaching (usually those are where those two "extremes" end up being - we compare to ourselves and figure out if we agree with the standings to determine whether they are liberal or conservative).
2. As much as I think we make way too many generalizations about others in life, I make some generalizations.   I probably make a lot of generalizations.  I *do* however understand that they are just that - generalizations, and not foregone conclusions applicable in every situation to every person.
3. I'd like to think of myself as a thoughtful considerate person.  I'm probably not.  As I get older, I can feel the crankiness come on, and while I try to think of myself and strive towards patience, sometimes I get impatient.
4. I believe VERY STRONGLY that we are all fallible and flawed human beings who make mistakes, who say idiotic things, but who should treat each other, nonetheless, with compassion, patience and respect despite our similarities and our differences.
5. The only exception to the point just above is the Dalai Lama.  I think he's just perfect the way he is.  ;)   But even he would admit he's still a work in progress.
6. I do believe people can change, however, I don't believe people always need to. 
7. I don't believe we should spend a lot energy judging others, but sometimes I do.  I think, however, our judgments should generally reflect a conclusion of whether these are individuals we want to share our lives with - tangentially or directly - and that we should judge them using the criteria of Item 4 above. 
8. I strongly, strongly believe in the serenity prayer.  I don't always succeed, but I do strongly pray for strength to change the things I can (that need changing), the patience to accept the things I cannot change, and for the wisdom to know the difference.  

 From the introductory post, you'll understand that I have missed blogging, and missed writing.  I feel, lately, that my life has been drained by my job which I do mostly enjoy but leaves me exhausted at the end of the day without energy to then engage in this particular practice.  Hinted at is that I often find myself falling asleep thinking about work, and I'd rather find myself falling asleep thinking about other pursuits. 

I consider myself a student of humanity.  That sounds much more lofty / ivory-tower than I intend.  But I find human kind and our interactions and society itself and how it has evolved very interesting.  I do have strong opinions. And one of my sources of study is reading advice columnists.  We form our basic understanding of how we should approach the world and others from being raised by our parents and from our experiences as we interact with each other.  We also develop our sense of how we should be from media - old school and new school.  As much as we hope our family, our schools, our religious institutions if we attend them will shape us in a way that allows us to live our lives with "success" we may sometimes not always get the direction we need to find ourselves happy and fulfilled in our lives.  And even the best of us in managing our lives will still come upon situations that we don't know how to approach or how to approach well.  I read advice columnists as part of my "study" of humanity, but also to gain insight in where people have issues in life and ways of approaching those situations.

I believe we develop over time incrementally as we experience life.  Not sure if we ever get it all, but the closer we get to it, the closer we also are to the end.  I'd like to think I've gained certain wisdom over the years, and it may all be hooey, but in my own vanity, I want to impart what I've learned to help contribute to our overall shape of society. 

As I mentioned above, I encourage thoughtful and respectful discourse.  Either here or via e-mail.  And perhaps, as this continues (if it continues), folks might start writing me letters directly to respond to. 

I can be reached at theborgblog@gmail.com

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
The Borg

P.S.  On occasion, I might also share the advice columnist's response and my response to it. 

CONCERNED MOM

I found this letter at Dear Abby published on July 6, 2017: 

DEAR ABBY BORG: My son is 29. He has no vanity at all and does not care how he dresses or looks. He has always been this way. He just got married, and his wife is a darling girl. How can I make him understand how important this is, not only to him but also to his wife? -- CONCERNED MOM

DEAR CONCERNED MOM:

I admit after reading your letter, I am missing the problem.  Except for your son who has a mother who at age 29 thinks she should still be telling him how to live his life.  Perhaps you would need to start with making me understand why this is so important to you.

It is interesting that you chose the word "vanity" to describe the attribute your son is missing.  Vanity is generally not something we hope people strive towards as an attribute, and is often a trait people complain about when finding it in others.  So I'm not clear why you want your son to take on an unattractive (irony intended) attribute.

Your last sentence indicates that he needs to understand not only how important it is to him, but how important it is to his wife.  It sounds, only, that it's important to you.  If his wife had issues with his appearance, if it was important to her, she probably wouldn't have married him.  You suggest she's a darling girl, and it sounds that she is.  It sounds from what little description you've provided that she loves him as he is.

Now, I admit, and my wife might even cringe, I'm probably a lot like your son.  If my hair or my clothes aren't perfect, I can still leave the house.  I am not so sloppy and disheveled as some of the famous "People of Wal*Mart", but frankly, I am usually reasonably clean, smell reasonably fine in my opinion, and I have a job that allows me to contribute to maintaining our household. 

I have probably not gained certain friends or even perhaps certain jobs as a result of my appearance.  I do not dispute that potential possibility.  However, I have never lacked for employment when I've needed it and I do have a social circle of people I enjoy.  So, my general attitude has always been that if someone chooses not to spend time with me because I have a small stain on my shirt, then I probably wouldn't really enjoy spending time with that person, either.

Now, in hindsight, this probably comes from being a kid who was teased, whose mother engendered a reasonable sense of self-esteem not to care what those kids who teased me thought or said.  And so, perhaps, as a grown adult, I've taken those original lessons from dealing with "mean kids" to my decision-making in when I do and don't adjust my behavior based on the opinions of others.

Most definitely, there are situations and places where someone else's opinion should factor into my behavioral choices.  And listening to the feedback of others in making choices is and can be important.  But at the end of the day each of us needs to be able to live with the person who we are and love the person who we are.  Our choices should reflect that goal.  And some of our choices might very well limit our opportunities, but you need to trust that your son has been raised well enough to be able to make his own choices about how he wants to live his life and whether he wants to deal with the consequences of those choices.

If you had written saying that your son was having difficulty finding a job, or finding friends or companionship, and frankly, was complaining about having those difficulties, I would understand your question and your concern greater.  But the edited version of the letter I've read shows no such consequences for his actions or concerns by him.

And lastly, your opportunity to prepare him for his wife and future potential relationships has passed now that he is grown and that he is married.  Now that he is married, his wife is the only person who should explain to him what is important to her.  If she enlists your help, the conversation should still be hers to have with her husband and your son, and, again, the edited version of your letter has not conveyed that she has any issues with his appearance.  If so, she probably would have raised it to him before they were married, and frankly given your description of him, it does not sound like that is the kind of woman to whom he would have been attracted.

My suggestion is that you take some time to consider why this is so important to you.  If your son is happy, I encourage you to be happy for him, and feel proud that you have raised a son that has found happiness and success in his life.  Love him, as I am sure you do, for who he is and who you have raised him to be.

Sincerely,
The Borg

EXPIRED BLOGGER

DEAR BORG:

I am a blogger who has lost her voice due to the constraints and wear of a full-time office job.  I find that when I get home, I have no energy or interest in sitting in front of another keyboard after 8-10 hours of writing e-mails and sitting in front of computer screens. 

But I miss my voice and being able to think of myself, let alone describe myself to others, as a writer.  I do write a lot every day - just not for myself.  I have a semi-inactive blog that had developed a small following in the past, but it's been so long and my posts sporadic, that I am sure most of my readers - except the one I married - have forgotten me.

What can I do?

AN EXPIRED BLOGGER

P.S.  I do like to read advice columnists regularly and often have strong opinions I want to share about some of my reactions to them.

DEAR EXPIRED:

You are stuck in a rut.  My condolences.  I think you should consider reinvigorating yourself by starting a new blog based on letters requesting advice and your thoughts regarding some of these.  You can pick letters you've read where you've reacted strongly as you have mentioned above, or perhaps, as your blog becomes more established, letters from real readers directly seeking YOUR advice.  From what I've read of your blog, you have some life experience, and might have some sound advice to offer others. 

However, in order to be successful, you should set certain goals for yourself in frequency of writing.  I.e., publishing an average of x posts a week.  Remember, blogging software allows you the ability to write several posts at once, and publish them at distinct times so you can take a block of time once a week, even, and write several posts that will nonetheless publish over the week to follow.

To find your voice, and to find yourself as a functioning individual outside of your office job that seems to have sucked you in and sucked the life out of you, you need to plan time for you and for the things you enjoy doing.  Writing your blog was one of those things in the past that brought you pleasure.  Then, at night, as you start to fall asleep, you'll dream of the brilliant things you want to write in your own life rather than the e-mails for work that you need to send.  Hopefully this will help you find harmony.

Sincerely,
The Borg