DEAR
My problem is, she's extremely secretive about her past, especially the period between her divorce and our meeting. I have been open with her about my past, but when I ask about hers, she refuses to discuss it and says it has nothing to do with our relationship.
I have a feeling there may be something nasty she's hiding. I'm afraid I'm heading into a trap, but my love for her makes it tough to consider breaking up. Am I being too demanding? -- CONCERNED GUY IN THE SOUTH
DEAR CONCERNED:
We've all had lives before we meet each other. There is no requirement for us to share everything we've ever done before that point with someone else. However, before making a legal commitment and binding yourself to someone, there are a few things you want to have first. The most relevant of which here is trust.
She wants us to be married as soon as possible because she has been divorced for the last seven years.
This sentence disturbs me. There's a lot unspoken here, and perhaps a portion of that is also unspoken between you and your fiancée. What exactly does one state have to do with the other with the exception of the fact that given she was married before a divorce would be required in order for you to get married? Other than that relationship, her prior status and the length of it should have no impact (in my opinion) on the speed with which you move towards matrimony. At least not by that sentence alone.
she refuses to discuss it and says it has nothing to do with our relationship.
Except if what has happened in that seven years is what is rushing you both towards marriage, then SOMETHING about it has something to do with your relationship.
I advise a long engagement. This will allow you an opportunity to get to know her better and ideally develop trust or to discover if marrying you quickly is one of her requirements for a relationship with you.
I don't know if you're heading into a trap, but there does seem to be information missing necessary for you to trust her at this point. As you indicated, you just recently met her. If the relationship is real and meant to last, it will last an extended engagement while you two learn more about who each other is - today - and whether you feel you can trust her.
Some more cynical people might advise a background check, but doing that again is evidence of the key factor missing of "trust". If she pushes you too quickly towards marriage and resists your suggestion of extending it, tell her you would feel more comfortable if you were able to perform a background check and discuss anything that might be of concern. Either she'll be okay with that, or acquiesce to give you both more time to get to know each other or be defensive and break it off. If the latter, you may have dodged a bullet. But if the former, then it might give you two an opportunity to discuss things that matter to you both and build upon the foundation needed for a successful marriage.
I wish you good luck!
Sincerely,
The Borg
